Dear Dr. vybe,
This past May, I hit a new low. Literally. You don’t know shame until you’re 27-feet up a greased pole at the Italian Market, just inches from reaching a cured stick of salami, and you hear a pop where a pop is not supposed to come from. When the slimy stooge holding me up heard it too, I knew I was in trouble. He jokingly called out, “Yo, I think this buhl just popped his groin,” but he wasn’t laughing too hard when I fell 27-feet to the greasy gym mat and took him with me.
Needless to say, I won’t be climbing another pole anytime soon (pending the status of my Club Risqué application), but at this rate, I can’t even walk over Angelo’s for a slice of the Upside Down Jawn. It’s been two months now. Should I continue to wait it out in my grease-free living room or hobble my way over to urgent care?
Strained in South Philly
Dear Strained in South Philly,
Yikes! Unfortunately, no amount of cured, Italian meats can fix a pulled groin — no matter how good they taste. If you’re simply experiencing mild discomfort or pain, tender, but no swelling, continue to take it easy and put some ice on the affected area for 10-15 mins several times a day. A minor pull should heal in one to two weeks.
However, if it’s been this long and you’re still experiencing discomfort, it may be time to head to your local urgent care for a full evaluation and help with arranging appropriate follow-up appointments. Difficulty walking and that popping sound you mentioned could be indicators of a third-degree muscle tear which can take several months to treat, depending on your age, activity level, and general health.
I know that cured meats, balls of mozzarella, and envelopes of money can be tempting incentives for shimmying up a greased pole, but, please, for your own sake, get to a vybe before this story ends up on Billy Penn. Your secret is safe with us.
Not Mad, Just Disappointed